What If I Die?

Content warning: This article discusses death, loneliness, suicidal thoughts, and sexual assault. Please read with care.

It's 20 minutes past one, and I'm sitting on a stool with my back facing the fan, looking around the pharmacy where I'm interning, wondering why today feels so dull and why not many customers have walked in.

I basically spent my whole morning scrolling through TikTok, and by the time I looked at my phone again, the battery had dropped to 25%. I suddenly remembered that it would soon be time for my lunch break, and I needed to charge my phone for a little while.

So I plugged it in and went back to sitting there, waiting for the minutes to pass.

With nothing else to do, the TV subscription had expired, and everyone was busy on their phones, I began to think about how the one month I spent at home had made me feel.

It was strange how, now that I finally had nothing demanding my attention, all the thoughts I'd managed to push aside during that month began finding their way back to me.

It has been an emotional roller coaster for me, from getting into unnecessary arguments and fights with my siblings, to my mom constantly scolding me, to the loneliness that creeps in whenever I look at my phone and see how dry it is.

It sounds almost silly, doesn't it? To feel lonely because your phone is quiet. But sometimes, that silence feels like confirmation that nobody is thinking about you, nobody is checking in, and maybe nobody really notices when you're gonehow, all of those things were enough to keep me occupied, but never enough to make me feel less alone.

Yeah, so, about the arguments with my siblings and the constant scolding from my mom, my brother is constantly in my ear, and honestly, it frustrates me sometimes.

There are moments when I just want to be left alone. Not because I don't love my family, but because sometimes, I need a little peace too.

Because most times, all I want is to be in my own quiet corner, all by myself. My mom says I shout a lot for a teenager, and honestly, sometimes it just kind of happens.

Frustration gets the better of me, and before I even realize it, I'm shouting at my younger ones. Then later, I find myself wondering why I reacted that way in the first place.

I'm sure most of you know how annoying and pestering younger siblings can be, but anyways, that's no excuse. I know I need to tone down the shouting, and I'm actually working on it.

I'm learning that being frustrated doesn't give me a free pass to take it out on the people around me. Sometimes I need to step away, breathe, and give myself a moment before I react.

Okay, that's enough of that. Before I start rambling about my entire family history, let's get back to the reason I'm actually writing this.

Have you ever wondered what life would be like after you die?

I'm not trying to be negative or anything. I'm genuinely asking because I wonder if I'm the only one who has ever thought about it.

Not necessarily because I want to die, but because death is such a strange thing to think about. One moment, you're here, living, worrying, laughing, scrolling through TikTok, arguing with your siblings, and then one day, you're simply not.

And sometimes I find myself wondering what happens to everything and everyone you've known when you're no longer here.

Anyways, here's how I imagine it would be: after a person has lived long enough to declare the goodness and glory of God in this land of the living, there would be a funeral.

People would gather, dressed in black. The person's family would mourn them, crying as they remembered the memories they shared and all the moments they had together.

They would talk about the little things, their laughter, their annoying habits, the things they used to say, and all the moments they probably didn't realize would one day become memories.

And some would cry because they never got to spend enough time with that person. Some would regret the things they never said, the moments they never got to share, or the fact that they never got the chance to make things right.

And perhaps some would mourn with a different kind of pain, the pain of knowing they weren't always good to that person when they were still alive.

Hence, the title of this write-up: What If I Die?

What if I die?

The truth is, people will eventually mourn me, remember me, and then life will go on. The world won't stop spinning because I'm no longer here. People will return to their routines. They'll laugh again, make new memories, and eventually, my name may not come up as often as it once did.

And honestly, that thought scares me.

Not because I want to die, but because it makes me wonder: what am I doing with the time I have while I'm still here?

No matter how much love they have for me, they wouldn't continue to wallow in sadness and sorrow forever, constantly mourning and remembering me.

Eventually, they would have to keep living. They would go back to their routines, make new memories, laugh again, and continue with life.

And that's the strange thing about death. The people we leave behind may carry our memories with them, but life doesn't stop simply because someone is gone.

I genuinely wouldn't even pray that they remain sad forever. That would be selfish of me. They have their own lives to live, their own dreams to chase, and their own moments of happiness to experience.

Of course, I'd want them to remember me. I'd want the memories to mean something. But I wouldn't want my absence to become the reason they stop living.

I mentioned earlier that I really don't have many people to talk to. And yes, I don't.

I've decided to let everyone be. I've stopped forcing conversations, stopped trying so hard to keep certain connections alive, and started giving people the space they seem to want.

Maybe it's easier that way.

But sometimes, when the day gets quiet and I realize I have no one to call or text, I wonder if I've made myself a little too comfortable with being alone.

I'm always the one constantly checking up on them, and when they finally reply, it's almost always the same thing:

“I'm so sorry I didn't check up on you. I've been busy with school.”

And I understand. People get busy. Life happens. School gets stressful.

But when you're always the one making the effort, after a while, you start wondering whether you'd be missed if you simply stopped trying.

Um, hello? I'm also in school, you know. Everyone has their own things going on, and I genuinely don't expect anyone to be available for me every second of the day.

But sometimes, I just wish I didn't always have to be the one who remembers to check in.

It would literally take you less than a minute to send a text to a friend and ask how they're doing.

That person could be going through something you know absolutely nothing about. I mean, everyone has something they're dealing with, something they're struggling with, something they may not know how to talk about.

Sometimes, a simple “Hey, how are you really doing?” can mean more than you realize.

You may think it's just a text. To someone else, it could be a reminder that they're not completely alone.

In case you don't know, that single “hi” you dropped could mean a lot to someone. You never really know what a person is going through behind their silence, and that small act of checking in could be the encouragement they needed to open up, ask for help, or hold on for another day.

I decided to let my “friends” be and stay on my own as well.

Not because I don't care about them, but because I got tired of feeling like I was the only one trying to keep the connection alive. Maybe they have their own reasons. Maybe they're genuinely busy. I don't know.

So I stopped forcing it.

Maybe that's why my phone has been so quiet lately. Maybe that's why I have fewer people to talk to. At some point, I got tired of always being the one reaching out, so I decided to stop and see what would happen if I didn't.

For all I care, they're probably busy as usual, and I'm just here existing, being jobless, you know?

But honestly, that's how it feels sometimes. Everyone seems to have somewhere to be, something to do, someone to talk to, while I'm just sitting here with my thoughts.

I've gotten the urge countless times to message them, but I've deliberately fought that urge, and I won't do it.

I'm not saying that friends have to talk every single day. No, not at all. I understand that everyone has their own lives, responsibilities, and things they're dealing with.

I'm just saying that sometimes, I'd like to know that I'm thought of too.

But at least once in a while, a call or a text to ask how someone is doing shows that you care.

It doesn't have to be a long conversation. It doesn't have to be every day. Sometimes, it's just a simple, “Hey, how have you been?” And honestly, that can mean a lot.

Okay, imagine you suddenly heard that a friend of yours had passed away, and you hadn't spoken to them in five months. How would you feel?

I'm sure we all know what the word “friend” means, right? And it doesn't just apply to anyone. You don't call everyone your friend. A friend is someone you have a connection with, someone you care about, someone whose presence matters to you.

So if something happened to that person after months of silence, wouldn't you wonder if you could have reached out? Would you wish you'd sent that random “hi” you kept putting off?

Some of you might think I'm just being too petty, but the truth is, I'm really not.

So many times, I wish my friends were willing to listen to my two-minute voice notes where I'm talking about things that are bothering me, without replying with, “Omo, it is well,” or “You'll be fine.”

Sometimes, I don't need advice. I don't need someone to magically fix whatever I'm going through. I just want someone to listen and let me know that they actually heard me.

Sometimes, being heard is enough.

I have never in my entire existence done that to anybody. No matter how long your voice note is, I'll listen to it and reply to every single thing you said and advise you and try as much as possible to make you feel much more better.

I feel like I'm owed the amount of love and care I give out to other people. All my siblings are totally exempted from this, by the way, because there's truly love at home for me.

All I'm saying is there are times when my supposed “friends” act this way. It makes me feel sad.

Just the other day, I was talking to a guy, a male friend of mine, about how a guy asked me to go out with him, and I was scared because I might want to have his way with me.

As a male and my friend for that matter, I expected him to make me feel better and advise me on the right thing to do. But instead, he just replied saying, “You'll be fine.”

I was hurt, actually, because I feel that that word, “You'll be fine,” is like a passive-aggressive statement.

I was hurt, actually. And yeah, I am fine. I will be fine eventually. But what if I had gone out with this guy and he had done something to me? Perhaps, maybe, raped me.

For those of you that tell the person, “You'll be fine,” every time they present their problems to you, “You'll be fine” is not the right reply to give them. It does more harm than good to people or to a person.

Will they be fine eventually? Yes. But what they need at that moment could be a good word to make them feel better. A simple hug would even do.

Alright, that's enough of my sob story.

We're in the month of September, Suicide Prevention Month, and to anyone who might be struggling with depression, loneliness, or suicidal thoughts, I just want to let you know that you are loved and I see you.

Please do not take your own life. It doesn't make things much more easier for anyone. It doesn't make life go much more smoother than the way it is.

If you're reading this and you're struggling with suicidal thoughts, I want you to know that you don't have to have everything figured out right now.

You don't have to solve your whole life tonight. Just get through this moment. Then the next one. And then the next.

Please talk to someone you trust. Tell them exactly how you're feeling, even if the words come out messy. You don't have to make your pain sound reasonable before you're allowed to ask for help.

And please remember that what you're feeling right now is not the entirety of your life. This moment may feel permanent, but feelings can change, circumstances can change, and your life can still hold things you haven't experienced yet.

There are still conversations you haven't had, places you haven't seen, people you haven't met, laughter you haven't laughed, and beautiful ordinary moments you haven't experienced yet.

So, please stay.

Not because everything is suddenly going to become perfect, but because you deserve the chance to see what happens if you keep going.

And if all you can do today is stay alive, then let that be enough for today. ❤️